I've thrown myself into a situation that has no chance of turning out good.... And I know what I probably should do, but it just doesn't feel right.

Sorry if this post ends up getting too long, and it will be long. I tend to be long-winded when I write. And I have a feeling that this post is actually going to be more directed at myself, as an outlet. And that might cause some of it to not be written as well as it should.

Also, I am new here. If anyone replies, please be gentle with the acronyms. I haven't been around long enough to figure them all out yet.

Let's go back in time for a bit. Nearly 15 years ago, my cousin had a girlfriend who was just amazing, in every respect. Eventually they broke up, but I stayed in close contact with her. To the point where we talked literally daily at least once. Once she got home from school, she'd call me and we'd spend a few hours on the phone. I was 16 and she was 14, but an old soul. Of course, I ended up being attracted to her, but anyone around her would be. Naturally I didn't act on it, for fear of losing a friendship. Well, she soon started to become a bit of a wild child. Nothing out of control over-the-top, but in my view pretty close. She started doing more drugs (mostly pot, acid and mushrooms) and alcohol, which wasn't my thing. I tried to help her go down a different path, but she had to find her own way. She also became less and less vestal. Seeing her go down this path and me not being able to do anything about it, I knew I had to leave the situation. It was just too difficult to watch her falling. One night I got a call from her, after we hadn't talked for maybe 3 weeks (I was trying to distance myself from her) and she needed me. Earlier in the day (maybe the day before?) her boss at work had raped her (and got her pregnant) and she was scared to be alone that night. I sat next to her bed all night, reading. The next day, I drove her to school and left with tears in my eyes. I knew it was over. The next time I saw her, she was in the hospital 2 months later when she got in a motorcycle wreck with a guy she had met 3 hours earlier. I saw her in the hospital, but it was a very short visit.

But I still loved her.

Over the next 10 years, I kept tabs on her. Once or twice a year, I would search out her contact info. I never contacted her, but I had to know she was alive.

OK now we're up to current events. I'll try to speed it up:

2 1/2 months ago, I got a message from her at Myspace. Actually, two messages. She mailed me once and I never saw it. She replied 2 months later, and that one I saw. It really blew my mind. I didn't know what to do, so I waited 3 days and contacted her.

Since then, we talked literally hours each day. During the first 7 weeks, we averaged 5 hours a day talking on the phone and onlne. From these talks, I found out she was married for 7 years and had three kids. I knew about the marriage and 1 kid, based on my "stalking" of her over the years, but not about the other two.

I also found that she wasn't happy in her marriage. Something she said over and over, in different ways. He was never home, often leaving town overnight ror work (legit, too. He wasn't/isn't seeing anyone else). Basically, she was really lonely. Beyond lonely, she didn't like the way he treated her or the kids. Yelling, daily fights (nothing violent, mind you. All verbal), and she was just fed up.

She even told me she had though of leaving for the summer, just to get away from the situation. Not a separation or anything, Just a lengthy visit to her dad. She also talked about how her mom and her had set up a bank account they called the "escape fund" so she could save up money to leave. But, this has never collected any money, because he doesn't let her use their other bank accounts, so she is constantly having to use this money fo frivolous things, like food.

Well, we talked more and more and eventually things got much more physical and intimate. She occasionally would say how she was worried her actions would hurt her husband and family if found out, but it didn't stop her ever. Until... well, we slept together 3 times. Actually, 2 1/2 times, since halfway throught he last time, she stopped because the guilt was too much for her. This was fine with me and We just started watching a movie.

Anyway, after that she said things had to change. And they have. And it hurts. And not just the physical stuff. That isn't an issue to me, in the big picture.

I've talked to her about leaving her husband (not leave her husband for me. Just leave her husband. In all actuality, I don't think her and I could work as a couple), since it is obviously not a good situation but she refuses to even consider it. She even flatout said that she will sacrifice her own happiness if it keeps her family together.

I understand the general sentiment she means here, but I still think it's wrong. I think she is hurting her kids (ages 7, 3 and 1) in the long run more by not makign a stand now and doing something. Either leave the relationship or work her ass off to make things better with her husband (I'd be fine with that, too).

And I'm not the only one who feels she needs out. One good friend, who was actually a friend of her husbands first, offered her $4000 to get started on her own (no strings attached), but she said no. When she told her mom she was getting serious with him, the only positive thing she said was "well, he'll make cute babies". Which, is true, by the way. And at least 3 others I know who are around her think she needs out.

The problem I'm having now is that I just can't get over her, and don't like the changes that happened between us. It is eating me up and I really don't know if I can talk to her anymore. I am trying to take some time off to try to figure things out, but every time I see her online, I want to talk to her. I just see her name and my heart starts beating like crazy and I tremble like a junior high kid reaching 2nd base for the first time. And thats just by seeing her name. And, if I try to not see her online, I end up tracking her down online. I can't NOT look for her.

So, now I am stuck not knowing what to do. I don't think I can be around her if she is going to stay in the relationship because it just hurts to see her in it. I also have a hard time accepting her past. I asked her a ton of questions, and I know more about her than anyone else. She has told me things her mom and husband don't know. And I am not sure I can accept what I know. I told her we shouldn't talk until Sept. 1st, so we can se what is going on, but it is just so hard not to talk to her!

I've read other peoples comments about trying to take a break and having no contact with the person, but I just can't understand it. I just can't understand how you can actually not talk to someone. How you can't look for them every day. What else is there to do? I have thrown myself into work (13 hour days, 6 days a week), but that doesn't help. I take sleeping pills so that the days will go past faster, but I can't fall asleep. I am at the point where I take 5 excedrin PM and it does nothing. I take 5 more 2 hours later, and I'm still sitting awake, thinking of her. And please, no comments about an addiction or overdose or anything. That's an issue I am not going to deal with right now.

Is there ANY advice that I can get on how to really avoid her? A method that might work? And is there any advice on how I can accept both her past and her refusal to leave her husband (agian, not leave him for me. Leave him for her and the kids)?

I really feel like I'm on the edge of just losing it. I have a hard time comign to grips with what she is chosing right now, but the thought of not talking to her is killing me.

Again, sorry this is so long. I am sure I'll get in trouble for that.

If I could sleep forever, it's of her I'd dream.

If I could sleep forever, I could forget about everything.